Hey There, I'm Kaija. :)

So after much exploration and growth this year, I ended it with one last hoorah. More self exploration by going to a whole different state and gaining more confidence and inspiration to know that I am meant to pursue this career path. But two things remain the same. I can’t get this child off my mind and I still can’t find the guts to just straight up tell him. (And I think I’m annoying everyone that knows.) I really hoped that the mini vacation would help keep my mind off of how I feel and let me focus solely on me. But it didn’t. At all. At first I thought they were fleeting emotions because logically they don’t make any sense. But no, they obviously are here to stay. I told myself to start off this year with a clean slate. So here it goes, my last subtle (not so subtle) message to him.

I was originally going to write THE POST, but then decided that was not a good idea because I don’t know how he would’ve felt about that, especially if the feelings aren’t mutual (sorry Danielle for ruining your hopes of me ever publishing THAT.) I have faith, that one day he’ll figure it out on his own.


He is a pretty smart guy after all. ;) here’s to a New Year.

So I’m Finally home from a long day of shopping with my mom.

She woke me up at 8 something this morning and said “we’re going to pick up a few items you need for your trip”

^THAT is not A FEW things. Especially given the stores we went to…

I don’t do well with surprises and gifts. (A lesson is coming out of this, I promise) They’re kind of like compliments to me and I am HORRIBLE with taking compliments. It might just be because I’m an overly emotional person. But I already owned some of the items she forced me to buy today and I am just overly grateful for today and all the things she’s done for me and my siblings throughout this year and all the years before this one. This year especially because of everything she’s been going through. 

This is one of the first times in a long while that made me feel like how I used to before all the family issues. Back when I didn’t understand how the world worked and didn’t understand the importance of looking at price tags before I just dropped things in the cart. But this time was different. I know how the world works now, I’ve had days as a struggling college student when I just had one meal, I know how much my mom has sacrificed to make sure that we still have somewhat of a “normal” privileged lifestyle even though my dad left. Every time she demanded I put something else in the cart, I couldn’t help but argue and tell her how I could do without it. On the drive home, I began to think of how much I’ve changed and grown up this year. I have been complaining the last couple of months or so about how she always leaves all the important things to me instead of my other siblings and I realized why. Like my Grandma, she sees in me, a little piece of her. The caring, nurturing spirit that they both can’t run away from no matter how hard they try. I have the curse. The curse of wanting to help everybody even if I can’t help myself. Instead of complaining, I should feel honoured. 

*I can’t WAIT to see the look on her face when she opens her gift from us tomorrow. She deserves it.

I had to chuckle to myself as my teacher asked me this today.

Anyone who truly knows me will know that I am NOT a quiet person. Well at least I wasn’t. I have been starting to notice I have been pretty quiet lately and I kind of like it. I go to school, get my attendance, exist, and leave. At home I’m either sleeping or working quietly in my room. I don’t know if it makes me seem awkward in social situations, but I’ve just had a lot on my mind these days. As much as I wish someone would care enough to ask me about them, I guess I’m just really good at keeping up my poker face. How can people ask, if they don’t know anything is wrong? Pffff whatever. Here I go thinking too much, yet again.

In other news, I have officially finished my Production Design class. It was hard and I didn’t know what I was doing half the time, but I still managed to get A’s on all my assignments thus far. Now I just have to wait for my teacher to grade this last assignment and final that I took 6 hours early so I could go to dance practice.

One more day till Winter Break. Yeeee!

I hate it. I hate falling in my dreams (it feels weird), falling for people because I always end up getting hurt, and falling far away from dreams that I once had.

Over the past two weeks or so, I’ve managed to do all three. (YAY -_____-)

Before you keep reading *This post is more so for myself. To organize and gather my thoughts before I go crazy*

Last spring, I realized that I had fallen into the person I was supposed to be. Finally comfortable in my own skin and ready to take on the world. As the year is coming to an end, I was reflecting on how much I had accomplished for myself and others and was quite happy. Until now. I was becoming complacent with life because I felt like it was at a stand still. I honestly thought I couldn’t better myself anymore until I graduated and here’s why (I usually break it down into three categories):

Maturity/Self Discovery: I usually do this through school, home life, and traveling. I’ve definitely milked both venues to the max and can’t grow until I graduate and move out. Luckily a little more self discovery will take place on my NY trip. 

Selflessness: I try to find ways to help others on a regular basis (giving advice, philanthropy, helping family members, etc.) it forces me to learn from others, but I’d like to do this on a larger scale which I can’t do until I’m out of school.

Relationships: Lovey dovey things are cute and fun but I want to make sure that the person that I can share those things with is on the same level as I am. That always seems to be my problem when I choose to date people. Though there is a candidate, I feel like I can’t grow in this category because I’m a scaredy cat. Scared of getting hurt, scared of the future, just scared so I’m just patiently waiting. 

Today’s events pretty much pushed me over the edge and I am so grateful that I get to hide out at the country house by myself today but it could result in one of two things. I’m either going to think things through and come up with a mature, level-headed solution OR I’m going to withdraw into myself and not care about anything like I used to. I’m feeling the latter of the two. So sorry if i’m not “myself” for a while, I’m taking a visit back to my roots. It may not be safe, but it has to be done. 

So my mom is shipping me off to NY in about three weeks because I’m stressed with school and it’s customary in my family that we go on trips when we reach certain milestones in life, she told me to go on an “adventure”. Is it sad that I am so motivated to figure out my life already, that my crazy-teenaged-no responsibility-all-expenses-paid-for adventure consists of going to all the live tapings of shows that I can cram in whilst staying there (Good Morning America, Anderson Cooper 360 and The NBC studio tour) with the hopes that I can sit down with SOMEONE from their production (I don’t care if it’s a PA) to gain some insight?

While everyone else is telling me, “have fun, go party, etc.” I just honestly don’t see the fun in that. 

Is that weird?

I am finally done with my portfolio for next months 16mm shoot.

I’m not gonna lie, I did do some of it last minute which made me have some unnecessary stress (and loss of sleep) BUT, I work best under pressure (or maybe I’m just lying to myself) but I REALLY hope I get the position I want. A weight has definitely been lifted off my shoulders now that it’s done. Now I just have to make it till next Saturday and then…..WINTER BREAK HOLLLAAAAA. 

Wish me luck you guys! I will be keeping you all updated on whether or not I get the position.

Yours Truly,

Kaija :3

Some people have been a little asshole-ish (is that even a word?) lately. 

As my mantra maintains strong in my head, I’m finding it hard to keep my cool during class and that’s coming from someone who rarely gets mad or shows any type of “true” emotion” in public.

I don’t know if I was just naive and didn’t notice it before, But I don’t like how people are treating people lately. We have the privilege of going to a school that allows us to concentrate 100% on our major from the moment we set foot on the campus. Why is it that people can’t realize this, and treat each other with respect. I’m not saying you need to be so close with everyone in our graduating class to the point that you begin to question your sexual orientation. But I AM saying that out of respect for the art we create each and every day and the fact that in order to create a great film, we NEED each other, can we all PLEASE just get along and stop being so childish?

With our craft, it is impossible to do it alone. 

P.S. I graduated high school a year early for a reason. Can we please not got back to that mindset? We are in college. We are adults. Kthanxbai.

Yours Truly,

Kaija

It’s weird how meaningful conversations happen sometimes. 

I was awoken from my slumber by my screaming mother. She called all five of us downstairs and lectured us about the dirty dishes in the sink. I was a bit annoyed (because I was tired) After I woke up a bit, we began talking about my trip to New York that I’ll be taking with my sister this winter. She has this way of slicing me with her words in a subtle way. She told me a lot of things that I really needed to hear right now. Though I have this carefree and confident persona about my future (career-wise) I’m not going to lie, I’m scared shitless. My WHOLE family is successful in a traditional sense and I am the only one in my generation who decided to go the artistic route. I’m afraid that if I don’t make something of myself right after college, I’ll be letting my family down. All of this coupled with the fact that I’m eighteen. Eighteen years old. Granted I’ll be graduating when I’m nineteen, but I’m afraid that I won’t be taken seriously in my field of work because of my age. 

We talked for a good two hours on how I just dabble. I’m a dabbler. I have a lot of interests and I try all of them. This leaves me competent and resourceful on a wide variety of things, but I am not a master of any. We talked about my strengths and how I should use them and she told me one thing that really tickled my heart. From this talk I realize she sees in me, a person who is capable of great things and she ended with this, “Ghandi and Martin Luther King Jr. didn’t know what they were doing. They weren’t even confident in what they were doing. They just did. Great people don’t know they are great until their greatness is celebrated. Just go out there and do what you were meant to do.”

:’) 

Sooooo excited. Gahhh! :D :D :D

I figured I’d post something personal on here as I haven’t done that in a while. Update TIMEEE.  I’m sitting in class my advanced lighting class doing critiques, but I’m so jumpy! There isn’t enough time in each day to get all the stuff done that I want to accomplish. FSA at UCF is really helping me with a lot. Though their school year has just started, I have a feeling that the connections I’m making with people will be sooo worthwhile. My classes are okay, but I’m no longer inspired by them. Right now I feel like I’m just going through the motions. I want to work on my YouTube more, but that time will come once my schedule is less crazy. I’m just so grateful for all the opportunities I’ve been getting lately. :D

(Source: djslaughtertite, via mathaniel)

tumblegags:

this blog is hilarious

I’ve had a LONG week this week. Between a 19 hour shoot, dance rehearsal, class, and filming a birth, I’ve probably gotten 12 hours of sleep in a week. I look like crap, but I just have to remember, that I am pretty. When I get sleep.

(Source: , via tumblegags)

The Eye:

They say seeing is believing. But sometimes not seeing is believing. As my film classes are becoming a lot more time consuming, I’m starting to realize something. I may have known this all along; but now, more than ever it is becoming more apparent.

What is “the eye” you ask? It’s something that is indescribable and definitely can’t be taught. It’s the eye of a filmmaker. Being able to step out of the entertainment and objectively look at a piece for what it’s worth in a technical and creative sense. I am currently in my first month of documentary and editing class. Since I’m coming to this school with some experience, I understand the precision that goes along with post productions and developing a documentary. I was sitting in class yesterday, as the teacher was making us watch clips while teaching the basics of editing. It’s one of those things that some people will get, and others won’t. What baffles me about this concept (and it may be because I’m so young) is the fact that people love the IDEA of film making, but oftentimes overlook the amount of work to be done. This idea may not have been as detrimental back in middle school or even high school. But to go to a college and not realize the errors in this way of thinking, is why so many are disappointed when they can’t find work immediately after college.

College is what you make of it. Nothing is handed to you in a silver platter.

With Love,

Kaija

(Source: kirin-)

It’s only been about a month since I last posted on here, but in the internet world, that’s an eternity.

A lot has been happening lately and things have finally slowed down. 

So firstly, I’m in college now with a full schedule of 5 classes. Four of which are honors. That in itself is pretty hectic. 

Secondly, I got a job. So when I’m not at school, I’m at work. Making pretzels. <3

Thirdly, I’ve been trying to keep up with my YouTube which has been hard but I’m still doing it! I haven’t been able to share my videos on here lately, but I’m going to get back to doing that after this post. 

YouTube has been pretty good to me these past couple of months. I actually played my first gig on Tuesday and it was a magical experience. I’m so glad I was asked to play because it made me realize how passionate I am about music. 

That’s all the updates for now.

I hope you enjoy the videos I’m about to post!

Yours Truly,

KaijaKetchup. 

I am a firm believer in this quote. I saw this on Brittanyschoice’s tumblr and I figured this was the perfect time for an update. I’m currently sitting in an airport terminal on my way to LA for the first time. This is my first time traveling to the West Coast and I’ve got to say that I’m pretty excited. The one thing I’m not excited about is the jetlag which will occur in about 5 hours lol. I’ve traveled to England and other places out of the country, but I’ve got to say that depending on my experience when I touch down in California, it will be a huge deciding factor on how I want to pursue my career in film. More updates later we’re about to board. :)

(via brittanyschoice)

So, I’ve been away from home for two weeks. Away from all my music equipment, guitar, etc. I feel so weird without being able to just pick up my guitar and play. This is also forcing me to come up with more creative ways to make videos while I’m away. If you don’t know, I’ve decided to post videos to YouTube every Thursday and it’s been pretty challenging but fun. :) 

Side/random/slightly ADD note: So at my high school graduation, I totally announced to the world that I would be majoring in communications. I lied. I THOUGHT that’s what I was doing. But, I decided to not be a scaredy cat and pursue film like I’ve always wanted to. Sorry family and everyone else that thinks I’m going to be a starving artist. I’ll show you.

In other news, a couple weeks ago I went to the DigiTour in Orlando and met with some more YouTubers. DaveDays, Maria Zouroudis, Ricky Ficarelli, NicePeter, and DeStorm. :) It was really fun just like every other YouTube event. The one thing that sets YouTube concerts apart from other ones is that you get a chance to talk with everyone afterwards like normal people. (If youtube or the people posting videos ever changes this, i’ll be really mad) It’s also a great chance to network. But I got to talk to Destorm for the longest amount of time after all the picture taking and signing stuff died down. I kept on bumping into Maria and we talked for a bit and she asked for my YouTube channel. Possible collab? I hope so. :) For some reason when I meet “Youtube celebrities” or “celebrities” in general, I don’t get all hot and bothered like everyone else. To me, they are just people that were lucky, worked hard, and are doing what they love (in some rare cases they’re not loving it). That’s what I strive to do and I know I will get there one day. I won’t be the girl watching, I’ll be the girl on stage performing and making a difference. 

It’s going to take a lot of hard work. But I WILL get there. Wherever THERE is. :)